Casimir Pulastei Day

DISCLAIMER: This has nothing to do with Casimir Pulastei Day. That is all.

I often wonder about truly missing a person. Is it possible, or is it just that people are only capable of missing the idea of a person? Is an idea and a person one in the same?

Whenever I miss someone there's always a distinct feeling I have. It's almost as if the person I miss is sitting right beside me, but at the same time they're not. The actual meaning of the word. Someone is missing. Beside me. Next to me.

Sometimes I envision myself surrounded with people in my life that I miss. It's quite the sight to see in my eyes. Other times, when I'm in my room alone and thinking about things, I miss the presence of a certain person beside me. Even though I've never actually sat next to that person in real life. I feel as if they are missing in my moment of thinking.

Of course there are many different kinds of missing. I believe the most basic type is missing the idea of someone. "It sure would be great to have them here." No deep level missing, just wishing. There's also a really, really, really deep, sad, and depressing kind of miss. Some people feel it, some people don't. "I miss you." It's that simple, but it takes a certain kind of mind to convert it into what it's true form really means.

The touch of someones skin next to you. Their smell. Sometimes you don't even have to touch... just knowing they should be there and understanding they can't is what makes you miss them the most.

"Breathe in, breathe out. Tell me all of your doubt. And everybody bleeds this way, just the same. Breathe in, Breathe our. Move on and break down. If everyone goes away, I would stay."

Out of the Dark. Into the Night.

I'm 20. I'm a kid. I'm an adult. I'm a thinker. I'm a believer. I'm learning.

Life has been good to me. Fresh beginnings can take a toll on the young mind, but mine is old. Being so wise at a young age can be dangerous. Diving myself into friendships. Some won't last, and this I know. One will be there in a way many couldn't. I like this.

Dangerous? Yes. I won't tell why. Maybe I will.

It's hard being the one that must sit and watch people in my life fly away and become people I don't know anymore. It's difficult not having a connection with someone you thought would be in your life forever. It's not my fault. Too many chances that were never taken, and into the blaze they went.

Many people that can't, slash couldn't handle the intensity of my thoughts and feelings. Gone.

I read in a book somewhere that a moment only lasts 9 seconds. This is very relevant in my life. I've had many moments. Some come in at different times. With many success as to what I would say in a moment given, I've also had moments pass without saying a single word.

There is always the hope that people will come back to me. For reasons only they will have to figure out for themselves. I can't see what the future holds. I can only hope that those who are gone will come back. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Someday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhjb4P_jnKk

For Bill:

When I was little, I used to watch ants. You know - those little black ones that would collect on the lollipop you left out on the counter the night before? Those ones. As I sit here tonight, 20, I think about one of those small ants and compare it to my life. I'm an ant. A small creature that sometimes must carry light or heavy loads. I'm an ant.
I picture myself, as an ant, carrying a large, green leaf. As I carry this leaf many, many miles (or inches as we humans like to call them) I face rough winds, random splashes of water, and tiny pebbles just to get to my destination in a timely manor without destroying my perfect, green leaf. When I get to my hill, or place of residence, I find my leaf doesn't fit in the hole. It's simply too big to fit. I put my leaf down, sit, and while I'm sitting I think about my mistake of thinking that I could fit such a large leaf into a hole such as the one above me. "What was I thinking," I ask myself. I cannot answer such a simple question, so I become more specific. "Why did I think I could fit this leaf into that hole?" "How will I ever get this to other ants that need it the most?"
"Oh, God!" I cry out. "Will my leaf forever be sitting on the ground with me until one day it shall rot?"
Quickly, I have found myself mistaken. For I have found another ant, or she has found me. We together begin to tear this leaf apart, carrying one piece at a time into this tiny hole.
I love this ant.

My Kinda Music.

In the state of my mind these days, I'm forced to go to my one and only vise or option in order to save myself from total destruction. So naturally I have compiled a list of songs that help me in rare times like these. I hope you check them out and love them just as much as I do. Here we go...

1. Nothing Left to Lose by Mat Kearney

2. Sunday by Sia

3. Pieces by Red

4. Love Will Come Through by Travis

5. The Last One by the Cary Brothers

6. (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

7. And Then You by Greg Laswell

8. Company by An Horse

9. The City by Joe Purdy

10. One of Those Days by Joshua Radin

11. Square One by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

12. Natural Reaction by Gomez

13. Crash Into Me (re-recorded) by Boyce Avenue

14. Sparks by Coldplay

15. Songs for Mia by Lizz Wright

16. Breathe In Breathe Out by Mat Kearney

17. Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies

18. Mr. Blue Sky by The Essential Electric Light Orchestra

19. Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls

20. All Night Long by Lionel Richie

Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.

I'm not going to complain. That wouldn't be like me. I'm having a difficult time with my life, and the only thing I can think about right now is that I can't stop believing in my future. I won't ever give up until I get what I want out of life. It's time to stop waiting for something to happen, and make it happen.

I'm starting to have a natural sense of not having a home anymore. I think I'm ready to be on my own, but it certainly isn't going to happen anytime this year. I still have plans to go to BYU and major in Media Art Studies and minor in Art History. Someone also suggested to me that I go into Psychology since I understand people so well. I'm still thinking about it.

I recently sat down with a man I knew from church that coincidentally walked into Chipolte when I went on my break. We ate together and conversed about what we didn't know about each other; quickly sharing each others stories and situations we were both in at that present moment. So naturally I shared what I thought about my life and didn't feel ashamed at any point of my story.

I shared about my struggle living with my sister in Minnesota, my failure to find a job and finding out my only solution to life was to move back in with my parents. I told him that I learned that money runs out faster than I thought it would when I didn't have a job. I was living on student loans, and when I had $9 dollars left in my bank account, my only choice was to go back down to Florida.

His response was a story nobody knew about him. He told me that when he was going to college, he lived in a crawl space under a house. He shaved and showered at the gym at school just so he could save money. And then he told me how that part of his life was so short. He now is a professor. And I compared that to my story of living in Florida. I learned that life isn't short... it's long, and that this part of my life won't last forever. I simply learned that I must endure this moment of my life well. Because if I don't, I'll never get out the way I want.

I share a quotation from Garden State.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of the sudden even though you have some place to put your crap, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. Maybe that’s all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

Life can be a complete mess sometimes, but all you really need are the right people to help you on your way.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt.

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own. Sometimes I wish I still lived in Minnesota. All by myself and maybe a cat. I don't mind being alone. On weekends I'd pretend I would have something to do, and look nice for the day. I wouldn't be surprised if nobody talked to me.

Do you ever regret parts of your past? I think I do sometimes. Like the simple cliche of everyone saying, "be yourself". I really wasn't when I was in high school. I wish I knew the things I know now back then. Put a letter from the future in a magical mailbox that gives it to me in the past. I guess I have a hard time dealing with second chances, when I hate that I failed in the first one. Makes me wonder if I'll ever screw the present up too.

It seems as if I never get enough from friends, but I know I do. I get attached to people too easily and when I suddenly can't talk to someone I become inside myself. Wonder why you left me, when I know you didn't. I'm not a regular person. All people are different. Mostly me.

I can write my feelings down, but I keep them inside of me when I'm talking to someone. I built a wall that people can't get over or break down. Even some of my closest friends don't understand me. I hate trying to explain. In the end, I'm left hollow, and listening through silence friends have forced me to play in my mind.

I'm queen of attention to detail. There is always something I know about you that nobody else does. Whether you tell me or not.

"Let me know that you hear me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me. Let that be enough."

How do you survive?

I'm the type of person that likes to observe how people live. How will someone act in a situation? What does their face look like if they're happy? They don't always smile, I see. Many times, a face resembling contentment will take seconds to appear and take the same about of time to instantly fade away. I'm always fascinated by how people choose to make decisions. What provoked them to make up their mind? And why must some people forget to think during decision making? That's always something that has often confused me.

But how can I observe when I can't see a person? How can I answer my own questions about life if life itself makes it makes it impossible to see, or even touch a real, living person? How do I decide what they're doing? When will assumptions turn into truth? How come asking questions has to be so hard? How will I know that I'm making a good judgment, when features of the face and language of the body is nonexistent? Can trust develop between two people when one person lives a great distance away from the other? And if it does, how do you know it'll never be broken?

Why must people run away? From themselves, from others. Is it hard to deal with pain others feel?

Some people believe that when we are sent down to Earth, our bodies (that consist of four arms and four legs, with two faces) are split from each other. Our other halves are called soul mates. This one person is a twin flame or twin soul among others you try to find yourself in. All souls are driven to find this one another to join and become one again.

I don't necessarily believe in such a mystical story, but I do believe soul mates are real, and they don't have to be the person you're in a relationship with either. They can be anywhere. Even when you're not searching for someone to come into your life, they appear suddenly and there's nothing we can do but embrace it, and wish this person never runs away from you. So few come and don't go, so hold to them. Hold on.

I want one.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Do you find it funny when you realize that you're constantly changing? I do. I took a long look in the mirror the other day and found that my face seemed different from when I last looked at it. My eyes are green. My hair is lighter at the roots, but then turns into extreme red. I'm starting to look grown up. Should I be scared?

I think about time. All that I have is time. My life exists 2,000 plus miles away from friends. I believe in the future with these relationships I hold. Moreover, in the life I live in Florida, friends I have here are quite different and people are hard to figure out. But, I do live up to being a good friend. I never want to be the kind of friend that someone is dissapointed in. And if there is anything I have learned when I've moved to a different place it is that people are different everywhere.

I got paid today. Nice check.

I'm standing on the ground.

Moving furnature.

I think I'm going to start practicing Fung Shui. Also, I've never tried painting on canvas before. I want to do that. I want to wake up at 7:30 every morning and walk. Or swim! I really like to read. I think I should incorporate some sort of bookshelf in my room. I want to invest in art. I've always had a thing for art. I think I'll become a collector.

I want to learn how to take pictures manually. Aperture, lighting. etc. I want to learn how to play one song on my guitar. I just don't know what song.

I think it's time to creatively express myself through things. Whatever it may be, creatively.

I can't wait!

The city keeps on moving.

I think, in a sense, I've always had a hard time expressing myself. I'm living in a strange world, and I don't know where to put myself in it.

I think I have such a hard time finding myself because I don't really know myself as much as I think I do. I mean, for what it's worth, making people laugh and having serious conversations with people isn't all that I'm good for. I think I'll I'm trying to say is that I'm not as appreciated as I thought I would be. I give people attention, but where's mine? I'm not seen if I don't say anything. I really don't like that about myself.

I wish I could be different sometimes. What if I had a different life? Would I be the person everyone would go to for help? Oh how I wish I was right now. Sometimes I even wonder if I have so much of a different personality that I don't seem to connect with anyone I know anymore. It's almost as if conversations I seldom have disappear within seconds, and I'm left to wonder why.

If people don't want to talk to me then I must me truly boring. Am I the type of person to fade out over six months?

The other day, I asked one of my very close friends if we (jokingly) should take a break from friendship. She only replied, "no."

I'm at a stage in my life when I take things too seriously. When I'm told not to touch something, I won't touch it in fear. When I'm told to do something, I do it right away without complaint.

I'm the kind of person who secretly wishes that someone would say to me, "don't go."

What am I good for in the world I live in?

When will I get my grown up face?

I'm 20 years old, and everyone down here in Florida tells me I have a baby face. I really don't like that. I don't see myself as a 20 year old. I believe I'm a mature, young adult who needs to look like one. It's time for a serious change.

When I used to live in MN for college I was on a diet. I even lost a 5-10 pounds, but then finals kicked in and I had no time for myself. I put everything I had to papers galore and hours of studying to increase my 3.5 to a 3.7 GPA. I succeeded.

After that semester was over, I found myself in a tight spot. I was loosing money every month, and I knew that I wouldn't last long once it ran out. To make a long story short... I only had $9 left in my checking account when I finally, embarrassingly took every cent and crossed the Florida borderline with my Mom; whom picked me up during the loneliest time of my life.

It's been nearly three months and I'm back on my feet and loving life... except my face.

Now that I'm finally paying off bills and saving money, it's time to take a little more time for me... since I decided to take the semester off.

What is time good for?

A simple question, and for most people easy to relate to. Although, many people have a hard time answering it. I ask you: What is time good for?

You know when things are changing and people try to make them not change? ... for example, I moved to Florida and people would send me letters, write to me via email and facebook. Well... now that I'm truly gone and non-existant in Minnesota, people seem to think that I'm not there anymore; that "whatever" factor is waved over from the fact that I'm 2,000 miles away. I don't talk to many people. Watch.. as a whole year passes and alone I will remain inside. I never thought it would be possible to just not talk to someone, but then again... anything is possible.

Time is good for watching television.
Time is good for wasting time alone.

Time is good for creation of many things.

Time is good for sharpening pencils.

Time is good for talking to a friend.

Time is ticking... and people don't listen.

Moreover, people don't ask.

When breathing gets hard, let it all out. All of it.

So... let me fill you in.

I'm growing apart from somebody. For the very first time in my life it's painful to let go, but I know that if I don't make it a clean break right now it'll get sloppy when it endures closer and closer to the end. Then I'll have to deal with arguments and people taking sides. Along with the stress of how the other person feels... how bad I hurt them by sustaining them in the air for so long, the reasons why I didn't say anything when it was taking its turn, how we're both equally to blame for this... naturally, she doesn't have a clue that it's bad, and it's lasted longer than a year.

My original plan was to talk to her and tell her how bad she hurt me. There was never a first time when it happened. Rather, it was a continuing build up of all the wrong things, or all the times I needed someone to talk to.

I guess only time will tell if it actually improves. It's just been such a long time. And in that time we've both become two very different people; two people that don't know each other anymore.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully change.

Florida or Not Florida?

I miss my parents; living without them is very difficult to do. I find myself doing things I wouldn't ordinarily do. I go grocery shopping, I pay bills, I call people when I have a problem with my computer, I clip coupons... what is the world coming to?

But more than ever, I have a strong feeling about considering to move back to where my parents have settled. Florida.

So... in part of my decision making process I've decided to make a list of Pros and Cons on why I should move back and why I shouldn't move back.

WHY I SHOULD MOVE BACK:

Pros:

• Laundry is free


• My parents are there


• I'd get free food


• No rent


• My baby sister Jaycie is there


• My parents are there (did I already say that?)


• I'd basically have the same life I do now, only I'd have company


• I'd probably get a job really quick


• I'd have a bigger room/more space

Cons:

• I won't get to see Sam or Sean until their wedding in October


• 100% humidity = more hairspray


• HOT HOT HOT


• Hurricanes


• I'd have to transfer college credits


• Insurance for my car is more expensive


• Mom and Dad are planning to move again to another house

WHY I SHOULDN'T MOVE TO FLORIDA:

Pros:

• I have friends in Minnesota (but they never talk to me)... I guess that's a con


• I wouldn't have to transfer colleges


• Sam and Sean don't want me to go


• I have an awesome roommate that I'm just getting to know

Cons:

• My friends never talk to me, so why not move?


• I'm lonely. I'm only 20.


• I hate that I'm starting to lose friends... Florida would be the ideal place to get away
  

I've said some pretty nasty things about Florida. One of which that I should probably mention is that when I was down there for three months, I was depressed. I'm still wondering whether or not that will happen again. I'm not ready for a relapse (or anything like that). I don't like the fact that I moved back to MN because I wasn't ready. I wanted to be ready. I told myself millions of times, "You can do this" "You'll be fine, you're ready!" I guess that wasn't the best way to think... denying my problems inside of me for so long...

Now... while one can argue that I only want to move back because of my emotions, that's not the entire story. I'm not doing too good financially. It's hard paying bills every month because of the economy and it's difficulty to get a job. I've applied everywhere, called everywhere, spoke to everyone... nothing. If I moved back to Florida, I would probably have a job pretty fast. There are TONS of places there. AND I have a car... it would be easy to get to these places.

I still haven't made up my mind, but I'm leaning on moving. If by the end of next week I find myself jobless and bored... I'm going back home.

Peace out.

2 Weeks

Okay, I have two weeks of school left until I finish my Freshman year! I'm so excited. It's a great accomplishment. Here's what I need to do before I'm done:

1. Finish my Phychology research paper... almost done. Due May 11th


2. Chapter 12 reflection paper for Critical Thinking. Due May 6th


3. Test in Critical Thinking. This Friday


4. Finish Portfolio for Creative Writing. Due May 5th.


5. Test for World Religions
   

I think that's it. Then I'll focus on the Summer. I'm hoping to land a job pretty soon too. I've applied to so many places, but I can't give up. I know there is one for me somewhere. I know it!

Brigham Young University

For the record, BYU is where I want to go as far as colleges go when I'm done with my general requirements. By this time next year, I'll have more than enough credits to transfer. I'll also have a 3.5 GPA or better. Going to a Community college first was a definite blessing on my part.

When I was in high school, I never really thought about college, or my future for that matter. It wasn't until the last couple of months of my senior year when I started to even remotely think about what I wanted to do with my life. I enrolled in St.Cloud Technical College in the spring of 2008. It was here where I realized that the college atmosphere was what I really needed in my life to get me started with my life. Unlike high school, college involves course and classes one takes to find themselves. My first semester was a blast! I found myself spending more time on things that were important rather than things that blocked my mind from thinking. I challenged myself, and by doing this, I was able to get better grades and make smart and amazing friends.

In two weeks, my freshman year of college will be complete! My younger sister, Whiltey and I are tied as far as credits and semesters we both have taken. For some people, this might be a weird situation, but for Whitley and I, we both love being together. This is absolutely perfect.

I've decided that after my credits are above 45 and my GPA is right where I want it, I will apply to BYU-Utah.

I feel like I belong here. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am blessed to have to true church in my life. Going to the Lord's University will be the greatest accomplishment of my life. I deserve to go to such an amazing place where I can better myself for my future career and my future family as well. I'm excited to start this amazing journey in my life. Saying prayers in the classroom is what I look forward to.

Seven Friends Every Girl Should Have...

The New Friend

When I first met Kaylee, we were eating peanut butter no-bake cookies in my friend Tina's house. And although at the moment she didn't know me, I felt like we'd make great friends. While we were standing there, in the dark kitchen, we found ourselves laughing at the fact that Tina didn't put in enough oatmeal in the recipe. Those cookies were more like chewy, chocolate, goowie things than actual cookies. We had to scoop them off the waxpaper rather than peeling them off. I've known Kaylee less than a year. I'm very happy that I met her. She likes talking to me. I like that about her. Most of my friends fail in the communication area. When I talk to Kaylee, we both want to talk to each other. It's a great feeling. She's an amazing friend. We have similar likes. I think this is why we make good friends. Our senses of humor are so similar. Everytime we have a conversation, we make each other laugh. Plus... we both have the same name, spelled EXACTLY the same, and to put the cherry on this awesome friendship... We're both redheads. I've needed a friend like her for the longest time, and now I have one. She's basically my other half.

The One With The Car Rides

Hannah Baker is a girl everyone should know. I've known her for 4 years. Everytime I think of her, which is often, I always associate our friendship with the numerous car rides we've had together. Back when I didn't have my license, Hannah gave me rides to church activities, and the occasional night out with friends.We would randomly go to Monticello to eat at Applebees with Tina and Chelsea. There was never a silent moment in our rides together. We talked deeply and sarcasticly. We listened to mix CD's with cheesy 90's music, which included but not limited to: Backstreet Boys, Vertical Horizon, Samantha Mumba, Hoku, and 98 Degrees. We would share opinions and change each others lives in one and a half hour increments. One trip there and the other trip back.

The One That's Related To You

I have three very best friends thanks to my own mother. Their names are Samantha, Whitley, and Jaycie. I was flipping through the channels on TV the other night and I saw that Antiques Roadshow was on. I immediately had a flash back. I was 10 years old. We were all in the living room folding laundry. My Mom turned the channel to Antiques Roadshow and we would sit there and complain. I swear that it must have ruined my laundry folding experience because to this day, I hate folding laundry. That memory will always be with me. Just like the memory of Whitley and I having conversations at 2 in the morning. I'd go up stairs and grab 2 glasses of chocolate milk for me and Whit. We'd talk about school, life and our future. I'll remember when Sam and I shared a bedroom. She would wake me up in the morning because she needed to get ready for Seminary. She never knew I was awake, watching her sing along with the radio and brushing her hair. I remember when Jaycie came home from school one day and told us that she got a pink slip for slapping a boy in the face because he tried to kiss her. Whitley and I just sat there in amazement, laughing our butts off until Mom and Dad came home. We would all get together sometimes when we were in Middle school and Jaycie was still in Elementary and make home videos on our computer. I'd do the music in the background and Sam and Whitley would do announcements and interview Jaycie weekly. We wouldn't get any chores done, and our Mom would come home and just laugh at us.

The One You Had A Crush On, But Now He's Your Friend

I remember it like it was yesterday. A little boy walked into our newly moved in house with round glasses on with baggy jeans and an orange shirt. We were both barely 15. I came around the corner, into the kitchen where he sat and introduced myself. His name was Aaron Stratman.To make a long story short, I liked him but he liked Whitley. By the time I turned 17, I was in the eleventh grade, going to a different school and added Aaron as an offical friend. With Burnsville being a part of my past, I moved on to find more friends. It's different with all cases, but the distance between Aaron and I made us better friends. I'm surprised how grown up he is now... Well... somewhat. He's a great friend.

The Lifetime One

I met Kacey when I moved to Sauk Rapids. I don't know how we ended up being friends. I percieved her as the popular choir girl that played hockey and had amazing long, blond hair. Oh... but there was much more to her. Truth be told, she is the kindest, sweetest friend anybody would be lucky to have. I'm just glad we met! The other day, she called me to catch up on life. We talked for an hour and a half. Just the fact that she took that much time out of her day to talk to me meant a lot. Time really does mean the world to me. That, and stories that we want each other to know to benefit our lives for the better. I often make fun of Kacey for being so short, but I just think she's more fun that way. One of the hardest things to describe why she will be one of my lifetime friends is hard to explain. I just see us growing old together.

The Long Distance One

I'm sure many people can relate to how I feel about Ashley Dierkes. I'm writing this to tell you that what I feel towards her is much different than what I've ever felt before. And much different than what other people may feel. We became friends in the weirdest way. We never really talked. We just assumed friendship by smiling at each other in the halls of school and the occasional backwards scolding glance at me from the front of the band room. I remember it like it was two seconds ago. I guess the signatures were signed on our friendship contract when she gave me a ride home from my friend, Nicole's 18th birthday party. I guess one would say that that's when it all started. I know my best friend because of a silly car ride that only lasted 6 minutes. From the moment I met her I appreciated her. Apprecaition grew into friendship, then friendship turned into love. Hours we would spend with each other in her parents basement discussing our futures and swapping important stories with a laugh every now and then.

Although Ashley and I seldom talk, we are still able to have a connection when we have been gone from each other for a long time. Given the fact that we have different standards, and ways of living, she still remains one of my good friends.

The Kooky One

Maria Burch has to be one of the weirdest people I have ever met. She speaks a second language of sarcasm. This also comes naturally for me, so you can see where I'm coming from. Maria has changed my life because of the fact that she laughs at me. She is truly one of those people that helps you find yourself when you're around her. One has to acquire a sense of fastness when talking to her.

On top of everything Maria is, she enjoys clothes. This is something we both have in common. Weird, un-fashionable, old, torn, bright, clothes. For us, it helps us define who we are. We show people who we are but wearing it. There's no shame in that. Not at all.

I love Maria. She's one of the best people in the world. Her hugs make my day.

They say it comes in waves...

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing when we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other... it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to be close to. And once we've picked those people, we tend to stay close by. No matter how much we hurt them, or how much they hurt us.

The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure... close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space... it can be exactly what you need.

I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you.

I love Minnesota. Usually, it would be snowing right about now, but it's been rainy and cloudy for three days and I rather like it. I used to live in Washington State, so I've become acquainted with the rain like any person that lived has lived most of their life there.

I went to go put a check in the bank the other day, and the tell reminds me that it's a pretty rainy day. I told her that I was from Seattle and that it reminded me of home. She smiled.

People occasionally associate rainy days with sadness. I don't see how someone can think like that. It's beautiful. I love the rain. How it washes the snow off the road and and large clumps of snow are gone. It makes walking paths muddy and hard to get through... this doesn't bother me at all. I love when the rain stops, there's a slight mist in the air all day that remains constant. In Washington, the air was salty and misty when it rained. It smelled clean to me and there was a distinct moment when I could actually smell the rain. I miss that.

So... if it rains again tomorrow, it'll be another good day for me.

Things that have happened while it's been raining in MN:
I've been smiling lately.
My car looks clean, but it's really not.
I've been finding inspiration in my life again.
I got my financial aid check from school... so I have money again.
I've been having amazing hair days!
I've been thinking about my future.
and... for three days, loneliness hasn't crossed my mind once.

FACEBOOK UPDATE:
I haven't been on Facebook for a little under a week. It's very nice. Granted, I haven't been talking to some people, but it's not because I don't want to... it's because I'm sick of making decisions like whether or not I should be the one to talk first. I believe I'll come around... along with other people. To tell you the truth, I don't really like Facebook. In a way, it's kind of ruined my life, and now part of it will never be the same. I'm only trying to regain items I was supposed to have while on Facebook all the time...e.g.... there are many other ways of communication.

I Bet It Stung.

I've decided to take a break from Facebook. Looking back at what it has done for me in my life, I can't say that it's done anything positive. I've had great conversations, but it doesn't suffice for conversations that I could have had.

You can think of it as an experiment, but I choose to look at it as a life changing, re-evaluating process. Every once in a while, I take a step back and look at the things in my life. I sort through them. In the end, I get rid of things that I don't need and keep the things that mean the most to me. Sure, Facebook isn't a mental process, but I want to see how life can be without it. I want to believe that it'll make my life better, so I won't have to rely on other people's time anymore.

Why do people text me rather than call me?

Why do people insist on emailing me instead of calling me, or talking to me like a normal person?

Why do people have to forget to tell you that they love you?

Why do people have to plan out everything they want to say?

I wish we didn't go about things this way. I have to make a change in me. I have to set an example for me. I have to grow up. And hopefully by doing this, people will take me seriously.

Hair will be the death of me.

I don't feel like I'm an adult. I'm 19. Aren't I supposed to feel something?

I go to the grocery store and people look at me because I'm shopping by myself. It is not okay for a 19 year old to be shopping without her parents?

A couple days ago, I went to the mall to apply for some jobs. Every section of the mall I walked through, people looked at me. Do I dress funny? It there something wrong with my makeup? Something in my teeth?

Then I wonder...

Maybe it's because I have redhair.

Resolution:

This year, my New Years resolution is to have experiences. I want memories with those whom I love. Pictures. Great, amazing pictures.