I need this old train to breakdown.

I hate the fact that I've had this blog for over a year now, and I fail tremendously on writing in it everyday. It literally irks me that I have to catch up on myself before I write a blog now... almost like I have to sit here for days writing about what happened just to make the most resent stories make sense... GRR...

Anyway, to make a long story short, I got accepted to BYU-I a couple months ago and I should have prepared for this day to come (the day I move), but instead I go out and be with friends, work 50 hours a week, and sleep... Why couldn't I just been a good girl and gone to the DMV to get my license renewed? Why didn't buy more luggage to take more things with me? Why did I have to meet the best person I've ever met and leave her behind? ... who have I turned into? ... seriously.

The more I think I about this, the more it freaks the crap out of me. I'm sitting here in my room in Florida and I have a corner filled with things my Mum is going to ship for me to Idaho... it's depressing.

Last night, I was Skyping with my best friend Jemma and we both started crying. It's been over 3 years since I've cried like that. I really love Jemma. She's the best thing that's happened to me in Florida. I honestly believe I moved down here for many reasons, and one of them was to meet her. She saves me. She really does.

Florida had done so many things to my life. I've held a great job working as a Kitchen Manager, I've met awesome church friends, I've moved past the past, I've gained a true sense of self, and I've taught myself some of lives most important lessons. I've grown into an adult. I have Florida to thank for that.

30 day blog challenge.

I'll do this when I finally get the hang of things in Rexburg, ID ...  :)

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past.

Life. Is. Hard.

I know, I know... everybody says that life is hard, but this is a different kind of hard. It's almost like I have all of this stuff to do and nobody really understands what I need to get finished. 

It's difficult to do things when I work to much. Working too much leads to getting tired. Getting tired leads to "I have one more thing to do before I go to sleep." I have one more thing to do turns into no sleep what so ever, and pretty soon you're living with insomnia and you have accomplished absolutely nothing. 

My final college application is due on October 1st. I have one more thing to do then it all goes in the mail. I could have gotten this done a long time ago, but things happen. I don't have any examples... strange. :/

I'm becoming a Kitchen Manager at work in about a week and a half. This is probably the reason why I have become so tired over a course of months of training for this position. 

I have bills. Wow! ... do I have bills. 

I paid off my car. I'm pretty enthused about this, but like all cars, once the owner makes the last payment, ... it turns into a piece o' crap. 

I paid off ONE... ONE of my student loans. ONE. I still have one more... plus the future bills I will have to pay... hence my saving techniques along with paying recurring bills techniques have gotten rather proportional. 

I haven't wrote anything in a VERY long time which leads to my insanity level increasing. Writing keeps me, ... well .. me. 

Somehow I feel like I'm standing in a world that's moving around me. A magnificent scene indeed. But still... sad. I'm all alone. Never moving, never doing anything with life... just being. Staying. Still. Hopeful. 

Life is okay. 

I'd die if I saw you... I'd die if I didn't see you there.

I haven't written in a very long time. It feels as if I'm attempting to stretch my legs in a pool filled with solidified Jello after deciding to cannon-ball instead of dive right in. It's going to take some time for me to find my voice again. Don't get me wrong... it's still there, but it's buried under layers and layers of thoughts that have been building and building up from me not communicating or simply writing them down. 

Here are some of the topics I will be writing on to fill people in on what's been happening:

• Work (becoming a kitchen manager) 
• School applications
• Friends
• Mistakes that I've learned from
• Music
• Learning Spanish
• My first summer in Florida... (a foreign country), AND
• Growing up

Oh life... Oh me... whatever shall I do? 

Let It Be.

I'm 21, and yet when it comes to things such as people that are important to me at one time or another, I can't seem to let them go. For me, when it's finally time to leave someone behind it's been 2 or so years since the last time we saw each other or ever talked with one another.
I'm the type of people that likes to lose myself in others. I get hurt if I'm not careful. It always seems that when I'm a friend with someone, I understand everything and it's hard for me to try and explain how I feel. I always end up either confusing someone to the point where they don't want to be friends with me anymore, ore I hurt their feelings and we remain friends in an awkward way -- it will never be how it was like in the beginning.
Granted, people change and things will never be like when we first met.
I believe I've lived it all when it comes to friends. I've seen everything -- been though thick and thin in every situation imaginable to mankind... I've been dropped, avoided, ignored on purpose. I've slipped through fingers, been forgotten about. I've been loved. I've been liked. I've been used for what I'm good at, been a third wheel. I've been invisible in a room with people I've known for years.
I've been me, and somehow I believe nobody can handle it. Am I suffocating? Am I too demanding?
.... Am I annoying? Do I get on your nerves when I ask you questions? Do I love too fast? What do I do? What DID I do? What have I done?

Basically, I'm Complicated.

Funny how people change right after something happens to them. I guess you could say that I'm one of them. I notice that a friendship is drifting apart and I buy a purple shirt. I've never worn a purple shirt in my life... I've changed.
But seriously, she was my friend and I loved her. I never know or understand why people drift away -- it's something I've been trying to figure out for years. I've had ever so many friends, but few tend to stay with me through the years. Some like to fly away but ultimately come back in the end. They let you know they're sorry, but apart of you can't let it be like how it used to because you already let them have a chance. Another part wants to let them back in, but you know you'll be hurt again if you do.
Most of the people I become close with never let me know any reasons as to why they stopped trying. This is when I become full of questions that always never end up answered.
I believe I'm a good friend. If people underestimate my friendship... they don't deserve me.
I'm worth more than to be avoided or ignored.
I'm worth more because I have values.
I'm worth more because I have an opinion that's probably going to be different than yours.
I'm worth more because I know that I deserve a good friend that will always be there for me... because I know I'm there for them.

Divided.

Go downtown to catch the early movie
The shows are cheaper
They don't mind if you put your feet up
She's out on the highway
She's got a homemade sign it says
Go ahead try to figure out
What my future looks like
I don't want to live my life like a story
Always thinkin I could've been something
Don't run along side and control me
Just film away and let me be
At ease I, I feel fine
I'll go on, I move on
There's something so divided
Don't worry about me I'll be fine
Don't live your life for me or for anyone
Live your life as if you're one
Live your life as if you're one
And find quiet, it's awful quiet
How can you be mad we just got started?
I want to shave my head
Lie in bed all day long
How can you be mad we just got started?
Live your life as if you're one
At ease I, I feel fine
I'll go on, I move on
Don't live your life like a movie
Always thinkin you could've been something
Don't live your life for me or for anyone
You live your life as if you're one
You live your life as if you're one
Find quiet it's awful quiet
Find quiet 


Song by Tegan and Sara. 
Relation = 100%