Let It Be.

I'm 21, and yet when it comes to things such as people that are important to me at one time or another, I can't seem to let them go. For me, when it's finally time to leave someone behind it's been 2 or so years since the last time we saw each other or ever talked with one another.
I'm the type of people that likes to lose myself in others. I get hurt if I'm not careful. It always seems that when I'm a friend with someone, I understand everything and it's hard for me to try and explain how I feel. I always end up either confusing someone to the point where they don't want to be friends with me anymore, ore I hurt their feelings and we remain friends in an awkward way -- it will never be how it was like in the beginning.
Granted, people change and things will never be like when we first met.
I believe I've lived it all when it comes to friends. I've seen everything -- been though thick and thin in every situation imaginable to mankind... I've been dropped, avoided, ignored on purpose. I've slipped through fingers, been forgotten about. I've been loved. I've been liked. I've been used for what I'm good at, been a third wheel. I've been invisible in a room with people I've known for years.
I've been me, and somehow I believe nobody can handle it. Am I suffocating? Am I too demanding?
.... Am I annoying? Do I get on your nerves when I ask you questions? Do I love too fast? What do I do? What DID I do? What have I done?

Basically, I'm Complicated.

Funny how people change right after something happens to them. I guess you could say that I'm one of them. I notice that a friendship is drifting apart and I buy a purple shirt. I've never worn a purple shirt in my life... I've changed.
But seriously, she was my friend and I loved her. I never know or understand why people drift away -- it's something I've been trying to figure out for years. I've had ever so many friends, but few tend to stay with me through the years. Some like to fly away but ultimately come back in the end. They let you know they're sorry, but apart of you can't let it be like how it used to because you already let them have a chance. Another part wants to let them back in, but you know you'll be hurt again if you do.
Most of the people I become close with never let me know any reasons as to why they stopped trying. This is when I become full of questions that always never end up answered.
I believe I'm a good friend. If people underestimate my friendship... they don't deserve me.
I'm worth more than to be avoided or ignored.
I'm worth more because I have values.
I'm worth more because I have an opinion that's probably going to be different than yours.
I'm worth more because I know that I deserve a good friend that will always be there for me... because I know I'm there for them.

Divided.

Go downtown to catch the early movie
The shows are cheaper
They don't mind if you put your feet up
She's out on the highway
She's got a homemade sign it says
Go ahead try to figure out
What my future looks like
I don't want to live my life like a story
Always thinkin I could've been something
Don't run along side and control me
Just film away and let me be
At ease I, I feel fine
I'll go on, I move on
There's something so divided
Don't worry about me I'll be fine
Don't live your life for me or for anyone
Live your life as if you're one
Live your life as if you're one
And find quiet, it's awful quiet
How can you be mad we just got started?
I want to shave my head
Lie in bed all day long
How can you be mad we just got started?
Live your life as if you're one
At ease I, I feel fine
I'll go on, I move on
Don't live your life like a movie
Always thinkin you could've been something
Don't live your life for me or for anyone
You live your life as if you're one
You live your life as if you're one
Find quiet it's awful quiet
Find quiet 


Song by Tegan and Sara. 
Relation = 100%

Goldfish.

I've changed quite a bit over these years. A lot of people have. I know, and it's not because those people and I don't talk anymore - no, it's because we find things in our lives that are worth living for and leave the many things that were supposed to leave behind. Most of my days consist of comprehension. I'm a very deep thinker. I've always known this about myself, but it's become more relevant over the years that my soul has grown into what it has.

I've learned so many elements about myself. It's really quite fascinating... picturing myself 14, moving to a new world in which everything would soon change. Now here I am, since aged 7 years and sitting on my sofa and smiling at my life. But still, I find that now I ask myself the ultimate question.. "What have you done, Kaylee?"

It's not just tonight in which I ask myself this question. It's very often really. But every time I try and answer it, I find it's impossible. Because it's not about what I've done, it's about what I will do.

I know myself pretty well. Enough to know that when I meet someone new I can hurt myself if I'm not careful. There have been many tragedies in the past, yes. One most recent in which I feel very bad about. It was easy for me to become someone even I didn't recognize. What's even worse is knowing that I hurt myself more than I hurt that person. They don't talk to me anymore, but somehow I don't believe it was my fault. Did I love you, or was I scared of being alone? What have I done?

I find that I take a long time to make decisions. Am I this? Am I that? Life scares me, but if I'm afraid there will never be a future. Why am I so scared of what I can have?

I know I can't do everything at once. I can't let the feeling of overwhelming-ness get to me. There is a time for all things. Yes, apathy is boring, but I'm not saying that I don't care. I do. I just have so many things floating in my mind all at once that it's hard to keep one thing in place at a time. My brain isn't compared to a cleanly filing cabinet of memories and ideas. It's an old, giant desk in which everything that has entered my head rests ever so sloppily. It's remarkable. It's mine.