I guess it's gonna have to hurt.

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own. Sometimes I wish I still lived in Minnesota. All by myself and maybe a cat. I don't mind being alone. On weekends I'd pretend I would have something to do, and look nice for the day. I wouldn't be surprised if nobody talked to me.

Do you ever regret parts of your past? I think I do sometimes. Like the simple cliche of everyone saying, "be yourself". I really wasn't when I was in high school. I wish I knew the things I know now back then. Put a letter from the future in a magical mailbox that gives it to me in the past. I guess I have a hard time dealing with second chances, when I hate that I failed in the first one. Makes me wonder if I'll ever screw the present up too.

It seems as if I never get enough from friends, but I know I do. I get attached to people too easily and when I suddenly can't talk to someone I become inside myself. Wonder why you left me, when I know you didn't. I'm not a regular person. All people are different. Mostly me.

I can write my feelings down, but I keep them inside of me when I'm talking to someone. I built a wall that people can't get over or break down. Even some of my closest friends don't understand me. I hate trying to explain. In the end, I'm left hollow, and listening through silence friends have forced me to play in my mind.

I'm queen of attention to detail. There is always something I know about you that nobody else does. Whether you tell me or not.

"Let me know that you hear me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me. Let that be enough."

How do you survive?

I'm the type of person that likes to observe how people live. How will someone act in a situation? What does their face look like if they're happy? They don't always smile, I see. Many times, a face resembling contentment will take seconds to appear and take the same about of time to instantly fade away. I'm always fascinated by how people choose to make decisions. What provoked them to make up their mind? And why must some people forget to think during decision making? That's always something that has often confused me.

But how can I observe when I can't see a person? How can I answer my own questions about life if life itself makes it makes it impossible to see, or even touch a real, living person? How do I decide what they're doing? When will assumptions turn into truth? How come asking questions has to be so hard? How will I know that I'm making a good judgment, when features of the face and language of the body is nonexistent? Can trust develop between two people when one person lives a great distance away from the other? And if it does, how do you know it'll never be broken?

Why must people run away? From themselves, from others. Is it hard to deal with pain others feel?

Some people believe that when we are sent down to Earth, our bodies (that consist of four arms and four legs, with two faces) are split from each other. Our other halves are called soul mates. This one person is a twin flame or twin soul among others you try to find yourself in. All souls are driven to find this one another to join and become one again.

I don't necessarily believe in such a mystical story, but I do believe soul mates are real, and they don't have to be the person you're in a relationship with either. They can be anywhere. Even when you're not searching for someone to come into your life, they appear suddenly and there's nothing we can do but embrace it, and wish this person never runs away from you. So few come and don't go, so hold to them. Hold on.

I want one.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Do you find it funny when you realize that you're constantly changing? I do. I took a long look in the mirror the other day and found that my face seemed different from when I last looked at it. My eyes are green. My hair is lighter at the roots, but then turns into extreme red. I'm starting to look grown up. Should I be scared?

I think about time. All that I have is time. My life exists 2,000 plus miles away from friends. I believe in the future with these relationships I hold. Moreover, in the life I live in Florida, friends I have here are quite different and people are hard to figure out. But, I do live up to being a good friend. I never want to be the kind of friend that someone is dissapointed in. And if there is anything I have learned when I've moved to a different place it is that people are different everywhere.

I got paid today. Nice check.

I'm standing on the ground.

Moving furnature.

I think I'm going to start practicing Fung Shui. Also, I've never tried painting on canvas before. I want to do that. I want to wake up at 7:30 every morning and walk. Or swim! I really like to read. I think I should incorporate some sort of bookshelf in my room. I want to invest in art. I've always had a thing for art. I think I'll become a collector.

I want to learn how to take pictures manually. Aperture, lighting. etc. I want to learn how to play one song on my guitar. I just don't know what song.

I think it's time to creatively express myself through things. Whatever it may be, creatively.

I can't wait!

The city keeps on moving.

I think, in a sense, I've always had a hard time expressing myself. I'm living in a strange world, and I don't know where to put myself in it.

I think I have such a hard time finding myself because I don't really know myself as much as I think I do. I mean, for what it's worth, making people laugh and having serious conversations with people isn't all that I'm good for. I think I'll I'm trying to say is that I'm not as appreciated as I thought I would be. I give people attention, but where's mine? I'm not seen if I don't say anything. I really don't like that about myself.

I wish I could be different sometimes. What if I had a different life? Would I be the person everyone would go to for help? Oh how I wish I was right now. Sometimes I even wonder if I have so much of a different personality that I don't seem to connect with anyone I know anymore. It's almost as if conversations I seldom have disappear within seconds, and I'm left to wonder why.

If people don't want to talk to me then I must me truly boring. Am I the type of person to fade out over six months?

The other day, I asked one of my very close friends if we (jokingly) should take a break from friendship. She only replied, "no."

I'm at a stage in my life when I take things too seriously. When I'm told not to touch something, I won't touch it in fear. When I'm told to do something, I do it right away without complaint.

I'm the kind of person who secretly wishes that someone would say to me, "don't go."

What am I good for in the world I live in?

When will I get my grown up face?

I'm 20 years old, and everyone down here in Florida tells me I have a baby face. I really don't like that. I don't see myself as a 20 year old. I believe I'm a mature, young adult who needs to look like one. It's time for a serious change.

When I used to live in MN for college I was on a diet. I even lost a 5-10 pounds, but then finals kicked in and I had no time for myself. I put everything I had to papers galore and hours of studying to increase my 3.5 to a 3.7 GPA. I succeeded.

After that semester was over, I found myself in a tight spot. I was loosing money every month, and I knew that I wouldn't last long once it ran out. To make a long story short... I only had $9 left in my checking account when I finally, embarrassingly took every cent and crossed the Florida borderline with my Mom; whom picked me up during the loneliest time of my life.

It's been nearly three months and I'm back on my feet and loving life... except my face.

Now that I'm finally paying off bills and saving money, it's time to take a little more time for me... since I decided to take the semester off.