For Bill:

When I was little, I used to watch ants. You know - those little black ones that would collect on the lollipop you left out on the counter the night before? Those ones. As I sit here tonight, 20, I think about one of those small ants and compare it to my life. I'm an ant. A small creature that sometimes must carry light or heavy loads. I'm an ant.
I picture myself, as an ant, carrying a large, green leaf. As I carry this leaf many, many miles (or inches as we humans like to call them) I face rough winds, random splashes of water, and tiny pebbles just to get to my destination in a timely manor without destroying my perfect, green leaf. When I get to my hill, or place of residence, I find my leaf doesn't fit in the hole. It's simply too big to fit. I put my leaf down, sit, and while I'm sitting I think about my mistake of thinking that I could fit such a large leaf into a hole such as the one above me. "What was I thinking," I ask myself. I cannot answer such a simple question, so I become more specific. "Why did I think I could fit this leaf into that hole?" "How will I ever get this to other ants that need it the most?"
"Oh, God!" I cry out. "Will my leaf forever be sitting on the ground with me until one day it shall rot?"
Quickly, I have found myself mistaken. For I have found another ant, or she has found me. We together begin to tear this leaf apart, carrying one piece at a time into this tiny hole.
I love this ant.

My Kinda Music.

In the state of my mind these days, I'm forced to go to my one and only vise or option in order to save myself from total destruction. So naturally I have compiled a list of songs that help me in rare times like these. I hope you check them out and love them just as much as I do. Here we go...

1. Nothing Left to Lose by Mat Kearney

2. Sunday by Sia

3. Pieces by Red

4. Love Will Come Through by Travis

5. The Last One by the Cary Brothers

6. (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

7. And Then You by Greg Laswell

8. Company by An Horse

9. The City by Joe Purdy

10. One of Those Days by Joshua Radin

11. Square One by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

12. Natural Reaction by Gomez

13. Crash Into Me (re-recorded) by Boyce Avenue

14. Sparks by Coldplay

15. Songs for Mia by Lizz Wright

16. Breathe In Breathe Out by Mat Kearney

17. Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies

18. Mr. Blue Sky by The Essential Electric Light Orchestra

19. Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls

20. All Night Long by Lionel Richie

Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.

I'm not going to complain. That wouldn't be like me. I'm having a difficult time with my life, and the only thing I can think about right now is that I can't stop believing in my future. I won't ever give up until I get what I want out of life. It's time to stop waiting for something to happen, and make it happen.

I'm starting to have a natural sense of not having a home anymore. I think I'm ready to be on my own, but it certainly isn't going to happen anytime this year. I still have plans to go to BYU and major in Media Art Studies and minor in Art History. Someone also suggested to me that I go into Psychology since I understand people so well. I'm still thinking about it.

I recently sat down with a man I knew from church that coincidentally walked into Chipolte when I went on my break. We ate together and conversed about what we didn't know about each other; quickly sharing each others stories and situations we were both in at that present moment. So naturally I shared what I thought about my life and didn't feel ashamed at any point of my story.

I shared about my struggle living with my sister in Minnesota, my failure to find a job and finding out my only solution to life was to move back in with my parents. I told him that I learned that money runs out faster than I thought it would when I didn't have a job. I was living on student loans, and when I had $9 dollars left in my bank account, my only choice was to go back down to Florida.

His response was a story nobody knew about him. He told me that when he was going to college, he lived in a crawl space under a house. He shaved and showered at the gym at school just so he could save money. And then he told me how that part of his life was so short. He now is a professor. And I compared that to my story of living in Florida. I learned that life isn't short... it's long, and that this part of my life won't last forever. I simply learned that I must endure this moment of my life well. Because if I don't, I'll never get out the way I want.

I share a quotation from Garden State.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of the sudden even though you have some place to put your crap, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. Maybe that’s all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

Life can be a complete mess sometimes, but all you really need are the right people to help you on your way.